Wednesday, January 20, 2016

All of the times that I spent loving you

I didn't realize all of the way to show love until there was you.  I gave my all for Adam and Easton but, you needed a different kind of love.  A love that I had to dig deep in my soul to find.  I had to be an advocate, a cheerleader, a caregiver, a nurse, a personal assistant, and a decision maker.  None of those are my strong suits.  Before you, I was afraid.  Afraid of the things I never know.  I didn't even know I was afraid of them.  I remember the day, in your PICU room, the sweet echo guy.  He was so young and he looked terrified.  I was hanging onto his every single expression and when he sent out whatever 911 call, he sent that called every doctor in the hospital in, that is a feeling I will never forget.  I was begging him and hysterically crying for him to tell me what was wrong.  How could anything be wrong?  I had a ton of ultrasounds?  I ate the right stuff.  He told me a doctor was coming to talk to me.  Adam came back (he had run home to get clothes) and together, we watched a small Indian woman, draw us a photo of Weston's heart.   Fast forward, 9 years.  You would be 9.  Adam and I are sitting in the office of your cardiologist, the woman that saved your life.  I didn't want to go there.  I cried the whole morning, I was mean, I was hateful, and I just wanted to run away.  No one wants to hear bad news and I was certain, we would have some awful surprises.  We had everyone that ever walked into Weston's room check out whichever kid that happened to be there, but I was still so afraid.  Walking in, I wanted to throw up.  I spent a lot of time checking kids in and then we got to the echoes.  We met Eddie (wonderful) who eased my mind immediately by talking to Easton like a friend.  Maybe he could feel my mommy eyes glaring at the screen or that if he had seen something bad that I was going to vomit in his lap.  Yes, I hovered.  As the kids got passed back and forth (Adam and I traded out in the hall), I got to catch up with Amber, her lovely nurse.  Amber was a Godsend.  Everyday, for so long, I would call her and leave a message that Weston had a crisis and we would be in at 8am.  She was a blessing and a welcomed smile.  Dr. Anand came in during every echo to reassure me.  Thank you, Jesus, the kids all have healthy hearts.

I want to encourage my mama friends to get your kids checked.  I know it is scary.  I am so grateful to Adam that he forced me to face my biggest fear!