You are turning 9 but you aren't here

Maybe, every Angel parent feels this way but I cannot fathom Weston being 9 years old.  In my eyes, he will be forever, my tiny, adorable, 7 year old.  He will be the tiny boy that I carried on my hip for so long.  The one that I would scoop up to smooch all over his precious face.  9 year olds are big, they are half way to adult.  Weston had a lot of adult in him but he always loved for his dad or me to pick him up and carry him.  One time, a doctor asked why I was carrying him ( he was 6, at the time).  I was very honest and said "Because, one day, I know, I won't be able to".  I cherish everyday with our kids.  I never want them to feel like they are leftovers.  They are amazing and keep Weston alive everyday.  It really hit me the other day, at Open House for our homeschool community, a childhood friend is teaching what would be Weston's class.  I have a child in all of the other grades except hers.  I walked quickly past her classroom trying to not cry.  On the way home, I talked to God a lot.  What did we do wrong?  I heard a sermon a few weeks ago on the trials of life.  God gives them to you so you can overcome and love him more and be a testimony to others.  Well, friends, I do not feel that way.  Not today.  Some days, I feel right in line with that.  I know that we have helped so many families and parents after Weston died.  I feel wrong to say that I still don't hold a grudge against God but, at the same time, I am so at peace that Weston is in Heaven being taken care of by my grandma and dad.  Other days, I am selfish.  I want our baby back.  I want to walk him into his class and say hello, I am Weston's mom and he is very special.  I want to see lab results on how well he is doing.  I want to cheer him on for 6 minute walks.

What does his life mean for all of us?  Well, Weston loved giving things.  He loved giving out treats.  I would buy candy so he could give it out to parents, kids, nurses, and doctors.  His life was all about giving!  So, tomorrow, Adam and I want you to pay it forward, in honor of Weston's Birthday.