Sunday, November 23, 2014

I haven't forgotten you

Dear Weston, I know it may feel like I have forgotten you because I haven't been keeping up with my blogs.  It has been 8 months today.  My heart hurts everyday for you.  While I am so happy that the kids talk about you so much, it is heartbreaking to hear them ask about you dying.  Halloween came and went.  It was one of your favorites.  I know you would have dressed up as a ninja or something.  Sutton put your Indiana Jones costume on and for a moment, he took my breath because he looked so much like you.  Kinley wore the same costume that you wore your first Halloween.  Soon, it will be Thanksgiving and then Christmas.  We went to storage to start getting out Christmas decorations.  You had so many beautiful ornaments last year.  My heart hurt a little more with each box that we opened so we took a few boxes and left, planning to go back this week.  I have been thinking so much about the last months with you.  I wonder if somehow you knew that you were having your last holidays with us because you put on such a brave, strong face for such a sick little boy.  I appreciate you giving us that.  I am glad the kids and us can look back with such fantastic memories.  I hope that your dad and I did everything to make all of your wishes come true.  I think about you so much when I am carrying the other kids.  You loved for me to carry you, our little prince.  Everyone would tell me to make you walk but I could have just carried you forever.

I don't think we will find our normal.  Time Hop is such a mixed blessing.  I love looking back at all of the pictures and things that we did in years past but to remember how sick you were is something that I will never forget.

This month is Pulmonary Hypertension Month.  While we never fully told people how terrifying your disease was, I know that you knew.  Every time you would go into a crisis and stare at your dad and me with that "help me" look, each time you would tell us that you couldn't "breave" even with 15 liters and 80 of nitric plus blow by, and each time you told us that your heart hurt-I cannot imagine how much pain you were truly in.  I hope that when God took you off to Heaven. all of the memories of all of the pain and suffering you went through vanished and you are only filled with joyful memories of how much we love you and how special you are.

So my sweet boy, don't ever think that because I haven't blogged that I have forgotten you or all of the people praying for us.  If it wasn't for their prayers, we wouldn't have made it this far.

I love you always and forever!

PS-The kids asked if they can decorate your clock for Christmas and I told them that it was OK.  I know you loved some Christmas decorations.