Thursday, September 17, 2015

Some days are just better than others

Sometimes, I think about all of the things your dad and I miss out on with you.  When I went to the homeschool equivalent of parent teacher night, I walked past one class very quickly.  Thankfully, my childhood friend was the teacher so I am sure she knew why I couldn't look in her direction.  You would have been in that class.   I see those kids and it is hard to imagine you in there.  I am sure you would have rocked 3rd grade but WOW, that seems so old.   I don't always think about you being big because we struggled so hard to get you to grow.  I saw some pictures of you yesterday.  Those hospital days feel like yesterday and an eternity away at the same time.  In so many ways, I miss those days.  Everyday knowing you were being cared for by the very best but, I will never ever miss the scary days, the dark days, and the ones where only tears were shed.

I was thinking tonight how yesterday, Kinley took her first steps while I held out a treat.  You loved treats and your first time walking was so you could eat a banana.  I think about what you are doing in Heaven, a lot.  I know Heaven is a wonderful place and I am sure you are cared for but, I would enjoy a little glimpse.  But then, maybe that would make me miss you even more.  My biggest fear is that I will forget you.  That I will forget the memories, the funny jokes, and the sound of your voice.  As much as I love listening to videos of you, at the same time, it hurts like pins and needles.  I may never understand this life but I know that I miss you to the moon and back.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

You are turning 9 but you aren't here

Maybe, every Angel parent feels this way but I cannot fathom Weston being 9 years old.  In my eyes, he will be forever, my tiny, adorable, 7 year old.  He will be the tiny boy that I carried on my hip for so long.  The one that I would scoop up to smooch all over his precious face.  9 year olds are big, they are half way to adult.  Weston had a lot of adult in him but he always loved for his dad or me to pick him up and carry him.  One time, a doctor asked why I was carrying him ( he was 6, at the time).  I was very honest and said "Because, one day, I know, I won't be able to".  I cherish everyday with our kids.  I never want them to feel like they are leftovers.  They are amazing and keep Weston alive everyday.  It really hit me the other day, at Open House for our homeschool community, a childhood friend is teaching what would be Weston's class.  I have a child in all of the other grades except hers.  I walked quickly past her classroom trying to not cry.  On the way home, I talked to God a lot.  What did we do wrong?  I heard a sermon a few weeks ago on the trials of life.  God gives them to you so you can overcome and love him more and be a testimony to others.  Well, friends, I do not feel that way.  Not today.  Some days, I feel right in line with that.  I know that we have helped so many families and parents after Weston died.  I feel wrong to say that I still don't hold a grudge against God but, at the same time, I am so at peace that Weston is in Heaven being taken care of by my grandma and dad.  Other days, I am selfish.  I want our baby back.  I want to walk him into his class and say hello, I am Weston's mom and he is very special.  I want to see lab results on how well he is doing.  I want to cheer him on for 6 minute walks.

What does his life mean for all of us?  Well, Weston loved giving things.  He loved giving out treats.  I would buy candy so he could give it out to parents, kids, nurses, and doctors.  His life was all about giving!  So, tomorrow, Adam and I want you to pay it forward, in honor of Weston's Birthday.