Friday, January 23, 2015

The Land of Tears


“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.” 
― Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ryThe Little Prince

I am there.  I am in the land of tears.  I know such pain that I had never known had existed.  10 months seems unimaginable.  I am so afraid to forget the memories and too scared to remember.  Ellie turned 3 today.  Ellie's life has been such  whirlwind.  She has never had a bday at home!  We found out we were pregnant a bit before we left for CHOP.  I am sad.  Sad to think of you, Weston.  And sad to think of those we have left behind.  I browse through pictures that make my stomach turn to knots-the kind you get before crying yourself to sleep.  Your dad is so strong.  He holds us through it all.  He is our rock.  Always and forever.  Kinley was sick the other day.  I found myself counting her breaths in my sleep, just as I did with you. I woke up thinking I was on the couch at CHOP.  Then, I was sitting in the dark scared and confused.  I miss you, my little prince.  The kids miss you too.  Easton is so brave-you have to be standing on his shoulder giving him pep talks constantly.   Please keep loving on him. Emery cries a lot about you.  She is so tender hearted.  I know that wishing for you to be back is wrong.  You are in the perfect place with the perfect body.  Still, my sweetheart, I yearn to hold you and carry you without oxygen or a backpack.  My tears seem so insignificant because they cannot bring you back.