Saturday, April 30, 2016

The day I felt 1 millionth of your pain

I debated on sharing this because it is way too personal but I needed you all to know.  After K was born, I immediately went into shock.  It wasn't PPD, it wasn't grief, it was somewhere in the land of PTSD.  Something took over my body.   I took K's vitals constantly, barely slept and only then, with my hand on her chest because I was so used to counting Weston's breaths, that I could also count the rise and fall of her chest in my sleep.  I was convinced that she would die of something that was hidden.  Something that we somehow missed on the ultrasound or the fetal echoes.  In the first week of her coming home, Adam called my doctor and made me an appointment.  Things were not normal with me and so, they put me on an anti-depressant.  OK-this will make me better.  I felt more normal.  Some things didn't change like me counting her breaths, taking her temp, and having the unwavering feeling that one of my kids could just die at any minute.  I was functional, super functional but blurry.   Around Christmas, I was laying with the kids and felt "ants" crawling on me.  I immediately was convinced I was having a nervous breakdown or an anxiety attack.  I went back to my doctor and he upped my meds.  I didn't feel right. I started having odd neurological and muscular things happen.  At night, my legs would twitch.  So weird.  I started seeing a counselor in March.  When I first talked to her, I had several twitches.  She was alarmed and so was I.  My parent and extended family like to die of more common things like heart disease and cancer so something rare and neuro muscular was not likely in my genetic cards.  She asked how I would feel about weening down to see if I started feeling better-or started feeling anything different.  I went slow.  I was only 250 of Effexor.  It took weeks to go down and down and down.  I didn't have a lot of issues until the last ween.  I regret not telling Adam that I was weening (Hello, I didn't want him to think I was crazy or addicted to a pscyh med that was supposed to make me better).  However, after a few sleepless nights, I had to tell him.  I wasn't sure if I was afraid he would be disappointed or what.   I always scheduled my weens on Friday so I would have him here on the weekends in case I had side effects.  The last ween was the WORST.  I was fine during the day but at night, the twitching, the irritability, and the insomnia were so bad that I was convinced I was going to die.  I was sweating all of the time, buckets and buckets.  To do that all over, I would have read online about what helped others.  Finally, I got some relief with some benedryl and was finally able to sleep for a few hours one night.  

Those sleepless nights made me think so much of Weston and our heart kids weening off of these lifesaving drugs.  I was a sweaty, crazy mess so to think of how they feel is just unimaginable.  I remember holding Weston and rocking him as he twitched or sweated or had desats.  You never forget those moments as a mom.  

I have been off of Effexor for 3 weeks.  I have lost 10 pounds, don't have to take a nap EVERY single day,.  I have cried a bit more than when I was on it and I am certainly more in touch with my emotions.  I feel clear.  It is like a fog is gone and I can actually function without a daily nap.  Adam saw the best result when I laughed at a movie we were watching.  It wasn't that the meds caused me not to laugh but they made me seemingly indifferent to happy or sad emotions.  

Parents, I do not want to discourage you from getting mental health help. Getting on meds was the best thing I have ever done but, I want to encourage you to also see a counselor and be leery of side effects that seem bizarre to you.    I never took anything while Weston was in the hospital and I regret not taking care of my mental health then.  Parents too often say, oh I will later, but then it snowballs into something very serious.  If anyone ever feels like suicide is the answer, please call the hotline and talk to someone 1 (800) 273-8255. Sometimes, it does feel like you are alone but suicide is not the answer.

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