Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Just a glimpse

Sad probably isn't the word.  I don't even know the word.  Night comes and I start to panic.  Yes, normally, you would think I am just a typical crazy person so meds will help.  So, I have tried those and no, they aren't it.  You cannot help the sadness, over losing your child, with meds.  It somehow leaves you in a crazy place where you are picking up the pieces.   After Kinley, though, I needed something to keep myself together.  It wasn't her, it was the compilation of losing and gaining in the same season of life.   I miss Weston, insanely, because a part of our family is missing everyday.  The other night, Adam said " You fell asleep crying and haven't done that in awhile".  I had no idea that I was even crying myself to sleep.  That was my go to mechanism to cope after W died.  Adam would fall asleep and then I would sob myself to sleep.  That was a good system until Adam caught onto it and we had a lot of serious talks about sharing our feelings, no matter how small.   I am not a good share-er in the one on one.

I am so angry.  I don't even know who or what I am angry at but the top picks of the moment are CHD, PH, and anything related those.  I am angry that my friend's kids are sick-not just "oh you have a cold" but "Oh, your kid might die".  I am angry that the world is more focused on crazy crap than helping the people that I love.  How do we have the best technology but still cannot cure any heart defects.  Some, like Weston's, aren't even detected until after they are born!  

Then, we have Sutton.  Sutton was so little and he stayed with the girls and vacationed while W was in the hospital for some of the time.  If there is anything that I could do, I would bring him back and keep him.  He is 7 and absolutely terrified of dying this year.  He is so wild and carefree that it is shocking that he thinks about that.  He asked me if he was going to die, the other day, and I almost threw up.  He is totally healthy and death isn't something a 7 year old needs to think about but he does because CHD and PH murdered his brother.

I hope to be as brave as Weston, one day.  Not today.  Today, I want to cry.    I don't want him to grow up in Heaven because I want to be able to carry him .  I want him to be taking care of his friends and the friends that he never met but they were joined by heart defects.  BUT, most of all, I want everyone in Heaven to tell him that we love him and did the best that we could to make him better.  Everyone did anything and everything we could have ever asked and we love them so much for it.  I don't know if I will ever stop feeling the agony that we did something wrong or chose something wrong but-I know he is in Heaven, pain free, loving on everyone that this crazy earth sends his way.

So, to celebrate his Angel-versary, we will be feeding the firemen that Weston loved SO much!  Please join us!  I am send out the magnets this week.  This is our way of saying thank you to the brave people that not only made Weston's life special but are the quiet heroes everyday!

https://www.facebook.com/events/112880475881118/




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